?

Log in

No account? Create an account

Shouldn't I be more then a piece of shit

Well I spent the last few days going to work with the person I live with. We are suppose to be in a relationship, however I don't quite see it that way any more. See I go way overboard for him, make sure he has coffee in the morning, lunch made for when he goes for work, I make sure if he is not feel well that I take care of him, I spend my free time doing the things that he wants to do. Now I sit here in a house with him where he can not say two words to me. All day on the computer and texting his friends as if I was not there at all. Never once said two words to me. He refuses to have me part of his life and I am not sure how much more I am willing to take. From him always putting everyone else first, to him never asking my opinion on things, to him making sure he gets what ever he wants and fuck everyone else in the house. If your in a relastionship things should be fifty fifty instead i live in 90 10. I give 90 and pray to get at least ten in return. Want to talk about feeling like a piece of shit.

What a difference 13 years makes

Well a little over a year ago Cheech died, a little less then a month from now Elijah was born. So much has come and gone since then and people learn from their past and some even move on. Today I stopped to think about all the things that are different, Like how I don't spend all night on the phone with anyone and haven't in thirteen years. How you don't sneak away just to tell me everything's okay. How little things that ment the most no longer appear in anyone else. How a friend ship under cover kept so many happy. How I fear never again having what a friendship we did or how I just shut down when people try to get close.
How Elijah went from always smiling to always worrying, How he used to always call me mommy to now telling me I am mom. Breakfast on weekends was something to always look forward to and now I am stealing his time. When he'd sing along to everything mom had on the radio and now he doesn't like anything on my radio.
Yes, everything changes, but somethings still stay the same.
I still love both of them somewhere like I did then, They have both made me laugh and cry and always will, How I never said good bye and I still wont today, to a friendship and my baby no matter what changes. How knowing one day we will all laugh and play stupid jokes on each other again and sneak away to make sure both was okay. Yes, 13 years make a difference, but some things are worth holding on to.
So I have put myself in a situation that I never wanted to be in. I gave up a job, a house, my friends, and my life because everyone insisted that my sister needed me. Now alone in a house full of people I sit day in and day out. I listen to the little remarks being made, I watch the phoney people play games with each other and the other people around. I watch the lies be told and the sneakyness of what is happening. I absolutly hate everything about it. How do you say you are a true person and then become a phoney when someone else walks in the room? How do you go out places to meet people when there are other people waiting at home for you. I guess somethings I just was not ment to understand. Yet, I know that it is these everyday things that are making me say enough is enough. I have already started researching hotels and homeless shelters for me and my son to go to. He is picking up on the things around him and it is getting way to hard to deal with any and all of it. I would rather be alone then live in a house where it feels like I am. Of course I think in my heart I know I cant stay in this state because it would be just to much for me. Everything is to much money in New Jersey and I know I would drowned out here by myself. Untill Eddie comes home I am definately by myself. Even then he wont be able to leave PA untill a year after he gets out. My best bet would just be to go back to PA now and deal with things. No it is not where I want to be but it is better then being so misrible every single day. I am just so beside myself that I don't even know who I am. Yes, I know just take it one day at a time and I thought I could do that. I thought I could make it untill Elijah got out of school but the harder I try the further I feel I am loosing myself. I just am at the point where I just cant do it any more. I know they don't understand I dont expect them to but they are not trying to raise a son in the middle of all of it. Yes, I know I am on my own.

Cheechs photos are everywhere.

I know many of you who have been trying to track down photos of dismas Andrew South for me are a little relieved to see that I have had some up.  I just wanted to let you know they are on my myspace and on my facebook.  Of course I am always looking for newer ones as well.  I am going to help myself by fillingthe void that wasleft in his place twelve years ago this may.  I love photos they are not as good as my memories but still love the photos.

What was I thinking.

Today is March 10, 2009 and yes it is just about one of those days where venting is not helping.  Many of you know I moved back to jersey.  Was it a mistake god will only be able to tell.  Do I doubt my decission sometimes absolutly.  See my sister is here and although I would do anything for her sometimes it is harder for me to be here with her then away from her.  I don't like to see her hurt and the tention some times is so thick it could hurt anyone.   Well while living down here I have managed to drive past the place where the love of my life was killed.  It still makes me so sick to drive over that bridge.  It only gets worse if I get the red light where he was crossing the road.  The hard part for me is if I try to do this drive at night.  It is almost like I can see him stand in the middle of the road.  Sometimes I swear he is there.
Well Driving by the house he used to live in there in Lakehurst is not any easier.  Seems like just yesterday I was driving there to pick him up or drop something off to him that he left at my house.  I can still see him looking out the window waiting on me.  Not that I was ever late he was just always well prepared.    It makes me smile toremember how I would sit in the car and he would sneak up the window to scare the shit out of me.  

 Well while being in Jersey I started talking to someone.  Did it go anywhere no it never does.  But I was straight up and honest from the begining.  Told him I could not give him a relationship because I was not capable of loving anyone.  See untill I put my heart back in my chest and get it out of heaven I can not give anyone any part of it.  Yeah I know it is time to let go and move on but I guess part of me still feels like why bother when I die I am going right back into his arms.  Yup you better believe I am going to stand by that untill I am up there with him. 

I do have to tell you though that it is not easy being alone.  If I had to pick someone to be with it would definately be my friend Eddie who is in jail.  Seems funny how I would pick the person who I cant have.  Right he is incarsarated and wont be out for another year but  that does not stop me from writing him every week.  Or even going to see him.  It just makes it stronger and me more determined.  Does he know about Cheech hell yeah he does.  Anyone who really takes the time to get to know me knows all about Dismas Andrew South and everything we went through.  Does that make him want to run away.  Nope has not scared him off yet.  Guess he is just as stubborn as I am that we can change or at least get passed it. 

So today I sit here wondering to myself why I keep letting myself get into these situations where I doubt everything I do.  Why am I so worried about what other people say and or think that I cant just do what makes me happy?  I guess I am always going to ask my self what was I thinking. 

Just so unsure.

Well after working today I again came home to an empty house.  Nope can't get the kid to stay home or help in the home.  The docs say to give it a little longer and see what happens after partial and behavior in home theropy  start.  Yet I have been asking for these services for so long that I just dont know if I can wait any longer.  Today I actually took the time to research  RTF.  I am so ready to have him just go.  The doc say if he goes it will be for at least a year.  Wow a year with out my baby.  It seems like one of the hardest thing I will have to do, but I am at the point where I really am not going to have a choice.  Every single day is a fight.  In all honesty I just dont have the strength to fight any more.  My problem is that I truely believe if he can survive with out me for the year and he manages to learn how to deal with rules and consiquences, then maybe it is best that he does not come back home.  I would not want him to go back wards.  I have doing this on my own with him since the day he was born and through all the different diagnosis and treatments I have stood by his side and tried to guide him.  but now that it has been eleven and a half years I think that I have done all I can dofor him.  He fights me every step of the way and now tells the docs he refuses to take his meds any more.  I know I cant do this on my own any more and I guess it is time that I let them take him away. 

Truely dont think I can deal with another loss.  This might be the one thing that puts me completely over the edge.  I always used Elijah as my means of surviving.  Throwing one hundred and ten percent into him so that I did not have to deal with anything else.  NOw with the good possibility of him being gone I am not sure what I am suppose to do.  Every reason for living would be gone.  I just am so unsure if I am ready to deal with all of this.  Yet I know I am not strong enough tofight the battle any more.  If ever I need your advice before NOW would be a good time to lead me in the right direction Cheech.  Life was so much easier when you were just a phone call away.  Sometimes I wonder if you can hear me and other times I think it is stupid that I second guess it.  Where do I go from here and how do I convince myself that what ever I choose is the right thing?  I so need you.

I fell in love today all over again.

Today is January 12,2009 and wow I have fallen in love all over again with a ghost.   Dismas Andrew South died eleven and a half years ago.  Of course many people who read my post all ready know that.   Well since he passed away he has been my sons imaginary friend and  guaridian angel.  He has been my everything my guide and all.   A long time ago I posted for photos of him as I did not have any.  Well to my suprise two years later someone has given me the most pressious gift anyone in the world could receive.  I finally got photos of him. Yup photos of my honey and he looks so young.  At first I was stunned and speachless at a complete loss of words, I could not stop smiling and I honestly dont think I have smiled this much since he passed away.  I am still just very unsure how one person can fall in love all over again  just by looking at someones photos.  Well I am living proof that it can happen.  That time does not make you love someone you are not with any less.  Even my son knew he was and he has never physically met him.  Cheech as I know him died two months before my son was born.  He has had several experienceswith cheech and I never even had to tell him who he was. 

My heart is alive now and I can smile.   I just can not even imagine how I got this far with out photos of him.  I can not believe how photos can awaken all of the feelings that I so locked away years ago.  I guess true love is a very very powerful thing.  I am living proof that love can survive everything.  I only hope that every one gets to truely fall in love at least once in their life and experience what I have experienced.  I know one day we will be together again and that noone can every mean to me what he does. 
When I promised him years ago that I would love him to the day I die, I guess I truely ment it.  Mister South with all of my heart and soul I love you.  I know you already know that but I just felt like saying it again.  God bless Andrea for giving me the most precious gift anyone on earth could ever give me.  You truely are an angel and thank you cheech for making her do it. 

Writer's Block: From A to Z


a = adored
b=blah
c= cherrished
d = dominate
e= eneved
f= fun
g= goofy
h= hyped
i= ignored
j= justified
k= kind
l= loved
M= mysterious
N= nutty
o= optomistic
p= punctual

q= quarkey
r= restles
s= sufisticated
t= thoughful
u- understanding
v=volubuous
w= waiting
x=
y= yessed
z= zombified

 

Today is a hard day in itself.  I went to bed last night and dreamed that once again Cheech had saved my life. Yes, for some strange reason just about every other night has been dreams of him since Christmas.  It is always hard in December, and May for me.  Now January it's the same thing.   The last time I saw the apple or ball fall was when Cheech was still allive and we spent the entire night on the phone.  It was forever ago but to me that is how I want to spend my New Years with my best friend the man that ment more to me then life itself.  It is the only way I want to remember my New Years.  So in the dream Cheech yet again saves my life.  Well I wake up to an email from a sister in law of his.  She has photos she is going to send me of him.  Oh my god photos that I have been searching for just about eleven and a half years.  Photos I have longed for since that tragic call came in.  God really must know that I need him now more then anything to have an angel sending me photos of my angel.  For the first time in Eleven years my youngest son will get to see who the pshycis say is his gaurdian angel.  Although I have no photos right now my son can tell you exactly what he looks like.  Can tell you things about him noone would know but him and I and no the information did not come from me.  Maybe he really can see and talk to him.  But no matter what someone out there is finally going to make all of my wishes to come true and to this special person I really really need to say Thank YOU.  I can not wait to open the envolope and see him with my own eyes.

Loosing hope.

So I found a place in Altoona that I moved into.  I really liked it only I could not find work.  I packed up the jeep and came back up to NEPA.  Now I have been on several job interviews, and nothing, I have a whole lot of applications out there and still nothing.  I have to say I am loosing hope.  I put money in the bank in order to move into a new place but now that I have not found a job  I have had to pay insurance and other bills out of my moving money.  I now have enough for a security deposit but not the first months rent.  The problem is I can not find a place.  I am going crazy trying to figure things out and tomorrow I will be heading off to the  temp agencys just to get started.  Man I hope it gets better soon or I will be heading down to Georgia.