How Elijah went from always smiling to always worrying, How he used to always call me mommy to now telling me I am mom. Breakfast on weekends was something to always look forward to and now I am stealing his time. When he'd sing along to everything mom had on the radio and now he doesn't like anything on my radio.
Yes, everything changes, but somethings still stay the same.
I still love both of them somewhere like I did then, They have both made me laugh and cry and always will, How I never said good bye and I still wont today, to a friendship and my baby no matter what changes. How knowing one day we will all laugh and play stupid jokes on each other again and sneak away to make sure both was okay. Yes, 13 years make a difference, but some things are worth holding on to.
Well Driving by the house he used to live in there in Lakehurst is not any easier. Seems like just yesterday I was driving there to pick him up or drop something off to him that he left at my house. I can still see him looking out the window waiting on me. Not that I was ever late he was just always well prepared. It makes me smile toremember how I would sit in the car and he would sneak up the window to scare the shit out of me.
Well while being in Jersey I started talking to someone. Did it go anywhere no it never does. But I was straight up and honest from the begining. Told him I could not give him a relationship because I was not capable of loving anyone. See untill I put my heart back in my chest and get it out of heaven I can not give anyone any part of it. Yeah I know it is time to let go and move on but I guess part of me still feels like why bother when I die I am going right back into his arms. Yup you better believe I am going to stand by that untill I am up there with him.
I do have to tell you though that it is not easy being alone. If I had to pick someone to be with it would definately be my friend Eddie who is in jail. Seems funny how I would pick the person who I cant have. Right he is incarsarated and wont be out for another year but that does not stop me from writing him every week. Or even going to see him. It just makes it stronger and me more determined. Does he know about Cheech hell yeah he does. Anyone who really takes the time to get to know me knows all about Dismas Andrew South and everything we went through. Does that make him want to run away. Nope has not scared him off yet. Guess he is just as stubborn as I am that we can change or at least get passed it.
So today I sit here wondering to myself why I keep letting myself get into these situations where I doubt everything I do. Why am I so worried about what other people say and or think that I cant just do what makes me happy? I guess I am always going to ask my self what was I thinking.
Truely dont think I can deal with another loss. This might be the one thing that puts me completely over the edge. I always used Elijah as my means of surviving. Throwing one hundred and ten percent into him so that I did not have to deal with anything else. NOw with the good possibility of him being gone I am not sure what I am suppose to do. Every reason for living would be gone. I just am so unsure if I am ready to deal with all of this. Yet I know I am not strong enough tofight the battle any more. If ever I need your advice before NOW would be a good time to lead me in the right direction Cheech. Life was so much easier when you were just a phone call away. Sometimes I wonder if you can hear me and other times I think it is stupid that I second guess it. Where do I go from here and how do I convince myself that what ever I choose is the right thing? I so need you.
My heart is alive now and I can smile. I just can not even imagine how I got this far with out photos of him. I can not believe how photos can awaken all of the feelings that I so locked away years ago. I guess true love is a very very powerful thing. I am living proof that love can survive everything. I only hope that every one gets to truely fall in love at least once in their life and experience what I have experienced. I know one day we will be together again and that noone can every mean to me what he does.
When I promised him years ago that I would love him to the day I die, I guess I truely ment it. Mister South with all of my heart and soul I love you. I know you already know that but I just felt like saying it again. God bless Andrea for giving me the most precious gift anyone on earth could ever give me. You truely are an angel and thank you cheech for making her do it.
a = adored
d = dominate
So I found a place in Altoona that I moved into. I really liked it only I could not find work. I packed up the jeep and came back up to NEPA. Now I have been on several job interviews, and nothing, I have a whole lot of applications out there and still nothing. I have to say I am loosing hope. I put money in the bank in order to move into a new place but now that I have not found a job I have had to pay insurance and other bills out of my moving money. I now have enough for a security deposit but not the first months rent. The problem is I can not find a place. I am going crazy trying to figure things out and tomorrow I will be heading off to the temp agencys just to get started. Man I hope it gets better soon or I will be heading down to Georgia.